


FIRESTARTER.

by orphan_account



Category: Cravity (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:22:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24064279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: everything minhee touches burns. it does not matter when- sooner or later, it all ends in flames.minhee wishes jungmo would have never come into his life. after all, minhee doesn't know if he will be able to keep himself from touching jungmo in the end.
Relationships: Kang Minhee/Koo Jungmo
Comments: 9
Kudos: 68





	FIRESTARTER.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [filmcore](https://archiveofourown.org/users/filmcore/gifts).



> yes this isn't proofread i'm so sorry for being a shitty typer. also i've been made aware a slowburn fic is usually 50k min and this is not even close so i apologise beforehand lmao. ALSO this is for rica! i love you so much, thank you for being so supportive towards my writing and also continuing to write yourself. i am so proud of everything you do- you're a hardworker and you better know it!

**I.**

minhee is a firestarter. he doesn’t understand when it first began- hell, he doesn’t even know how he does it- but minhee is a firestarter. everything he touches, whether it be sooner or later, always ends up in flames. it always does.

minhee doesn’t think he has directly touched another human in years. the last time he had, as far as he can recall, was in primary school. during that one eventful math class, his classmate had asked for a pencil and reluctantly, minhee had extended his kindness and lent the other boy one of his mechanical ones. by pure chance, the two brushed hands and minhee immediately felt grief. excusing himself to the restroom, there minhee knelt, bent over the toilet while emptying the contents of his stomach. how cruel the world was _!_ minhee did not see the boy ever again. had he moved away? minhee was too scared to find out.

years passed and regrettably, minhee grew older. never had minhee imagined that he would survive to this age, survive while objects around him always seemed to _burn_. minhee soon adopted to constantly wearing gloves wherever he went. though his colleagues had questioned the decision during his first few months at work, they quickly came to accept that perhaps this was just who minhee was. and it was true. that was exactly who minhee was.

this obsession with fire- it lent minhee an outlet. while he was scared of himself, scared of what his hands would do, he still played with fate. during sleepless nights and long days after work, minhee took to lighting matches and setting pieces of paper aflame as he threw them from the balcony of his apartment. on other days he would light candles and run his fingers through the flames, watching as the fire seemed to devour his flesh until it hurt too much to continue. his skin had long been damaged by the constant burning. the gloves usually hid it, so there wasn’t much to worry about there.

thankfully, minhee had found a job that was mostly understanding of his condition. he worked as the personal assistant (secretary, in other words) to a director of a large international conglomerate. minhee’s boss respected his boundaries and never asked too many questions. in fact, it seemed he admired minhee’s constant use of gloves. it was professional, in a way.

so minhee wakes up in the middle of the night. there is no real explanation as to why he does, but it seems to happen more often than none. he’s practically used to it by now- the sensation of cold sweat dripping down his back and a growing lump in his throat- it’s all too familiar.

minhee wakes up in the middle of the night and stares at the ceiling for a while. this is one of the rare occasions he’s been at his apartment in seoul for more than a week. his job allows him to fly around the globe rather frequently, so there usually isn’t time to stay put. for some reason this month is peculiar. his boss does not require him to fly to tokyo to meet prospective shareholders, nor does he require him to stay overtime and file more documents. while minhee is partially pleased with this arrangement, this also means that there is more time to oneself. time to think.

and minhee hates to be alone with his own thoughts. he knows that the night time is when one should never be alone with their own thoughts. but there he is.

it’s hopeless to try and fall back asleep. restlessly, minhee kicks the blankets off himself and is careful not to let his gloves slip from the bedside table. with limited attention, he gently places his blankets back onto the bed and walks towards the balcony, not forgetting to grab the lighter that sits dully on the kitchen counter.

the night is peaceful in that sick, twisted sort of way that only a populous city can have. seoul still buzzes with life, but it is toned down to a certain degree. minhee caresses the lighter unconsciously with his thumb, constantly dragging his finger against the sparkwheel that allows the lighter to be lit in the first place. minhee takes a seat on one of the chairs on his balcony and slumps down into it. what a fucking mess everything is. the night is too dark for his liking and the street lights down below don’t do much to satisfy his cravings.

in a flash, minhee uses his thumb to strike down onto the sparkwheel. there is no commotion, no fanfare. there is simply a fire in his hands and it satisfies him. it satisfies him to a certain degree, at least. minhee has always wanted to possess something greater than himself. a simple lighter would have to do for the time being.

it takes a certain mental drive to stop himself from immediately sticking his fingers into the flames. his old wounds have yet to heal and if he does it once more, minhee fears he may end up with irreversible effects. so, minhee uses an alternative method to satisfy that insatiable hunger. pulling out tissues from a small tissue box nearby, minhee quickly lights the paper on fire and releases it to the wind. slowly yet surely, the fiery pieces of tissue seemingly float downwards, disintegrating into ash before they can reach the surface. it’s horrifying. minhee knows he shouldn’t take in so much joy in this experience, but he does anyways. it’s in his blood.

eventually minhee loses track of time. what time had it been when he had woken up, anyways? the details were all mixed up in his head. for someone as detailed-oriented as he was when it came to work, it seemed almost ironic that he should be this neglectful when it came to his personal life.

three boxes of tissues and one (accidentally, he swears) burnt finger later, it’s time for minhee to get ready for work.

the sun rises. minhee knows that the day will continue, whether he likes it or not.

**II.**

the walk to the subway isn’t too far, minhee likes to think. of course, this was one of his guidelines when he first moved to the city and rented an apartment, but it’s on busy days like these that minhee is thankful to his past self for being so conscious of the future. if his residence had been any further, minhee knew he would arrive late to work. in order to arrive a bit sooner than the cutoff time, minhee picks up his pace and heads down the busy streets, hopping onto the next subway car that will take him to his workplace.

almost like instinct, minhee flexes his hands that hide behind his white gloves. his job included copious amounts of note-taking, so it was only natural that his hands would slowly tire after awhile. daily hand exercises and stretches were one of the few ways that minhee ensured he would be able to keep up throughout the day.

the subway stops. though it has been a few days, minhee still remembers the layout of the subway, the exact stop he must get off at. clutching his bag close to his side, minhee steps off the subway car and onto the platform, examining as others around him flood the floor and scatter to different sides. there is not much to observe here, but sometimes the occasional thought will cross his mind and minhee wonders what would happen if he were to stay on the subway car and allow it to carry him to the last stop. what would happen if he were to do that? would he lose his job? the possibilities seemed endless.

minhee had no time to linger on those topics, however. there was always work to do be done and for better or for worse, most of the time it kept his mind off his insatiable fear.

minhee exits the subway station. today, the weather is warm. not too cold that one must bring an extra layer to stay comfortable, but not too hot that one must wear less than usual. minhee notes this with a vague sort of wave to himself, keeping it in the back of his mind in case he must reference it later. it is not uncommon that one of his coworkers will strike up conversation and ask about the weather. though the thought process seems a bit unnatural when he thinks about it, minhee always seems to make note of the weather before each work day. he likes to be prepared, what can he say.

when minhee enters the high-rise building, a few familiar faces nod at him as he passes through the entrance. men in business suits and women in pencil skirts are scattered throughout the floor, some on phones with blank stares and others in low conversation with potential clients. investment banking is a somewhat difficult yet lucrative business, but minhee understands it well. it’s one of the few things he truly takes pride in.

at the end of the long hallway, an elevator’s doors stand open. taking the opportunity to enter the elevator, minhee politefully nods at the other person who shares the ride with him. usually it would take a few minutes for the next elevator to arrive, but it seems that luck favours minhee’s side today. giving way to a light sigh, minhee rests his back against the elevator wall and closes his eyes. his office was on the last floor- it would be a bit before he would reach the top.

minhee waits for the familiar sound of the elevator door closing. this does not happen. instead, growing sounds of a man shouting clogs his ears and minhee is suddenly jolted awake by the noise.

“hey _!_ wait a minute _!_ please hold the elevator- it’s urgent _!_ ” in the distance, minhee spots a young man with dyed brown hair and a frantic look in his eyes running towards him. the elevator seems as if it is about to close and the man that stands next to minhee shrugs. they make eye contact and minhee knows that the other man is telling him it’s no use. the elevators are slow and won’t open even if the right buttons are pressed.

“wait a minute, please-“ the man’s voice grows increasingly louder but in that second, the elevator doors begin to close. the man is so close, however, that minhee almost feels bad. in that moment, something in minhee’s mind kicks in. almost frantically, minhee sets down his bag onto the elevator floor and sticks one of his hands into the crack of the elevator door before it closes. minhee hears the man beside him quietly gasp.

for a second, minhee feels nothing. he thinks maybe the elevator has indeed opened back up, but upon further inspection, his hand seems to be crushed in between the two doors. minhee screams internally. fuck.

fortunately, the pain doesn’t last long as the young man on the other side of the elevator doors pries the two doors apart and releases minhee’s hand from its entrapment. exhausted and frankly, in pain, minhee stumbles back against the elevator walls and feels his knees buckle against the weight on his shoulders. he wants to slump down onto the floor but the mysterious young man catches minhee before he can, supporting his weight with his shoulder.

“are you alright? oh man, i didn’t think you would actually try to hold the door for me. that must have hurt…” the young man trails off, spewing out apologies left and right as if he has been rehearsed in the art. “oh my god- your hand is bleeding. did it really hurt that bad?” the young man’s eyes focus on minhee’s hand and it is then that minhee realises he is right- his hand is bleeding. the blood has already seeped a bit through his gloves, made even more evident by the white colour of the fabric.

before minhee has the time to assure the man beforehand that he is fine, the man suddenly grasps his hand and slides off his white glove. thankfully, the man on the other side of the elevator has already gone, leaving for one of the floors closer to the ground. the action is so sudden that there is no time for minhee react. when his hand feels the open air, minhee knows it is already too late. the man has seen the burns that litter his skin, the scabs and dried patches of skin made even more obvious as blood continues to well up in small beads.

minhee takes a step back and snatches his bloodied glove from the young man’s grip. it’s easier than minhee thinks, as the young man can only stand in shock at the state of minhee’s hand. although it seems like the man may not say anything, minhee cannot take the chance.

“who said you could touch me without my consent? i wouldn’t have helped you if i knew some kind of pervert was going to be on the elevator with me-“ minhee has taken out a spare glove from his suitcase, putting it back onto his bare hand in a hurry. the young man doesn’t respond and instead looks at the elevator buttons with an unreadable expression. minhee wishes he would say something, anything.

a few more moments of silence pass and minhee realises that the man has not pressed any of the elevator buttons yet. had the man missed his floor? they were almost to the top of the building and only high executives seemed to work on the floor. minhee had never seen him in the office and doubted that someone of his caliber would ever be allowed to come into contact with the higher ups.

minhee doesn’t feel like inquiring, however, and lets the elevator reach the top floor. they both take a step forward to exit the elevator but stop when they realise the other has made a move to.

“you can go first,” the young man gestures for minhee to exit.

minhee cannot help but sigh. he really has no time for this. “no, it’s alright. i work here, so they’ll be more lenient with me if i’m a little late.”

the young man shakes his head. it looks as if he is about to suggest that minhee leave first before a hearty chuckle sounds from outside the elevator doors. minhee recognises the sound immediately. it’s his boss, the head of the company.

“jungmo-ah, it took you long enough to get here. were you holding up mister kang in the elevator? how many times have i told you to always come earlier than later, you little brat.” minhee’s boss strides to the elevator doors and quickly grabs a hold of one of the young man’s ears. “you’ve got guts arriving late on your orientation day. sometimes i wonder how you’re my son.”

although the words seem harsh, there is no malice laced between them. minhee understands his boss fairly well and knows when he is merely being playful.

“s-sir, i’m so sorry for arriving late.” minhee bows deeply when he makes eye contact, counting down five seconds before standing straight up. “it won’t happen again. there isn’t anything to excuse my behaviour.”

“ah, you just came back from your break, minhee. there isn’t a problem. i’m sure my son has given you much trouble too. don’t worry about it for now.”

minhee accepts his boss’s words gratefully, hungry for any praise or reassurance he can get. though he is delighted by these comments, there is still that nagging thought in the back of his mind. minhee cannot help but blurt out exactly what he is thinking, despite having trained so hard in the past to keep his observations to himself.

“is this your son, sir? the one you mentioned was coming back from japan about a month ago?” minhee pays no attention to the young man as he sputters in confusion, apparently offended that minhee had not recognised him the moment they met.

“oh, yes. i forgot that i never formally introduced you to him or even showed you a photo. forgive me _!_ but you’re correct, jungmo is my son. we look alike, don’t we?” minhee’s boss pulls his son closer to him and smiles deeply while jungmo pouts. minhee can only meekly nod his head, afraid of doing anything other than agreeing. “yes, you are indeed right, minhee. we talked about this before, haven’t we? for the time being, i’ll be transferring you to work under jungmo. i’m not sure about how long the period will be, but until jungmo proves that he is capable of working independently, then i will release you from his service. we made that clear, yes?”

as much as minhee wants to vehemently deny the offer and storm off, he can only swallow his personal feelings. minhee did not like this man- jungmo, was it? minhee recalled a saying that first impressions were the most important aspect of meeting a new person and frankly, minhee did not have a good first impression of the young man.

“yes…” minhee nods his head, casting a glance to the side. on a regular workday, minhee would have already been in the office, getting to work clearing emails and taking down notes whenever his boss needed him to. yet, here he was, standing in front of the elevators as the heir to the company stood in front of him with an obscure grin on his face.

“good. you still have all the files i gave you last month too, i believe? if that’s the case i will leave you with jungmo for now. he should be able to get started right away. you two can use the spare offices in the back hallway.”

with those words, the man walked off and left minhee to his own devices. though the tension between the two seemed much more relaxed now, minhee still could not shake off the feeling that there was something not to be trusted about jungmo. he had seen minhee’s hand- and minhee knew that he understood what he saw. there was nothing that proved that jungmo wouldn’t tell his father.

instead of protesting, jungmo wordlessly gestures for minhee to follow him. it seems as if jungmo knows the layout of the office quite well, although minhee has never recalled him ever entering. if that was the case, minhee would have known. after all, he is the one who goes through the office attendance sheet at the end of the month. it was only natural that minhee kept meticulous care of such small details.

it’s not a long walk to the office. the two unused rooms are connected to each other, separated by a single glass door that makes it almost too easy to see into the other side. it was probably for convenience, as the job of a personal assistant was always about, but this only troubled minhee more. for how long would he have to work with jungmo? if he hadn’t held that elevator door open, none of these feelings would have been present.

“uh…” the two men enter the room silently, jungmo only speaking up after the discomfort becomes too unbearable. “so you’re kang minhee? my father told me a bit about your job. i didn’t really think i would need an assistant but i guess he trusts you a lot.” flustered, jungmo rubs at the back of his neck. where had all his words gone?

“but enough about that.” jungmo walks towards minhee as he eyes the closed doors. they were in a secluded part of the hallway- only those with actual business would be able to peer in and see them. “are you alright? did someone from the office hurt you- i can report them for you if you’re too afraid to because of your job. it doesn’t seem natural that your hand would start to bleed because of that impact.”

minhee doesn’t know what to say. this isn’t something he can just casually tell a stranger, nonetheless his future _boss_.

“i’m fine.” the words come out sharper than what minhee imagines, immediately regretting the decision to say anything in the first place. “how about we discuss work? that’s what you came back to korea for it, right?”

jungmo furrows his brows. he’s persistent, that’s for sure. “yes, yes. i understand that- but is it wrong of me to be concerned for my assistant’s health? if we’re going to be working closely together from now on, shouldn’t i know what’s bothering you?” jungmo breathes out a heavy sigh and leans against a desk in the room. maybe it was because minhee was preoccupied with calming himself down, but jungmo is a fairly attractive young man. it doesn’t seem to make sense why he would take on the company so early.

“i’d feel bad, you know? i don’t understand everything about you but… i’d like to make the effort to. i’ve heard good things from my father. it’s almost like i already know you myself.” he lets out a breathy little chuckle, like he’s remembering fond memories that have never happened. “but i digress. it’d just make my conscious better, i suppose. after all, you did get hurt because of me.”

minhee frowns. he has never wanted to be a pity case, nonetheless the reason that someone may worry about him. in fact, this is the opposite of what minhee has ever wanted. the reason for those gloves… he just didn’t want anyone to worry. how these turn of events had ruined his day in only a few minutes _!_

“please… don’t push me any further. i appreciate your concern but it is not your problem to deal with. i don’t want to be a burden on anyone-“ minhee starts, heading to the other side of the office to set his things down. before he can continue, however, jungmo has already crept behind him, reaching beside minhee to take his bag in his own hands. when minhee whips around in surprise, he sees that jungmo is laughing. laughing? it seemed like an odd situation to be in, quite frankly.

“i get it.” jungmo puts his hands up as if he is surrendering, chuckling once more when he sees minhee’s eyes glaring at his face. “i’ll allow you it, for now. just know that i am not one to give up so easily.” he sets minhee’s bag down on the opposite desk, striding even closer to minhee so that the two are barely inches apart. minhee sucks in a breath. it was unnecessary for them to be this close. “but for now, why don’t you accompany me out for dinner later this week? it’s the least i can do for you, of course.”

the statement came at a surprise to minhee. quite stunned, minhee took a step back in disbelief but could not go any further as he was already up against the desk. although the two men were around the same height, minhee somehow felt even smaller than he had when he first encountered jungmo in the elevator. in this situation, there seemed to be no right answer. although he did not want to accept jungmo’s offer, it would have been rude to do so, considering the position the two held. this was minhee’s boss. it would’ve been almost rude of him to decline.

“i-i don’t know if i should even accept your offer, mr. koo.” minhee swallows, turning a cheek in an effort to calm his beating heart. if he continued to look the man in front of him in the eyes he was sure his legs would soon give away. “it was nothing. you can forget about what i did downstairs. i would have done that for anyone.”

jungmo smiles. sensing a bit of discomfort, he takes a step back and lets minhee stand a bit straighter. “that’s precisely why, minhee. it’s your kind of selflessness that is so hard to come by these days… i’m simply thankful. if i was any later i’m sure my father would have scolded me in front of the entire office. i really do want to thank you personally.”

“but you are right now _!_ i don’t understand why… oh, never mind.” minhee blurts out, quickly muttering the last phrase after noticing how jungmo’s eyebrows seem to raise at the small outburst. “it wasn’t selflessness… believe me.” this statement is so soft that jungmo can barely hear it, but thankfully the office is quiet enough that he still catches the last few words.

“i’ll go.” minhee resigns and lets out a deep sigh. jungmo looks like an excited puppy, eyes immediately lit up as he grins from ear to ear.

“r-really? great _!_ i’ll set something up for saturday and send you the details soon. thank you so much, minhee. it’s a date then, right?”

it looks as if jungmo wants to grab minhee’s hands but he stops himself halfway, aware of the implications it might send and the possible negative reaction it could lead to. instead, jungmo straightens his back and flashes a cordial business smile. although he wouldn’t show it, he truly was happy. minhee just didn’t know it yet.

**III.**

minhee’s only real friend, or so he thinks, goes by the name of ham wonjin. wonjin is like minhee in a lot of ways, but still manages to have fun from time to time. unlike minhee, there is always a playful, comforting sort of tone in his voice. oftentimes minhee wishes he could imitate that tone, but then again, would it still be himself? minhee wasn’t sure if he was fine in his own body or desired to be someone entirely different. the two emotions would always clash but never really collide.

the saturday that minhee had dreaded the entire week finally approached, and so minhee found himself dialing up wonjin and asked him if he could come over. in many ways than one, wonjin had a better taste than minhee. it only seemed natural that he would head over to his friend’s home not only for fashion advice, but advice in general.

“so, you’re saying you’re not really sure if this is a date or not? he mentioned it was also but mentioned that this was to make up for that incident… you’ve got to be kidding me, right?” wonjin exasperatedly said, shuffling through articles of clothing in his ever-expansive closet. currently, minhee sat on wonjin’s bed, fitted into clothes that seemed a bit too tight and a bit too loose in the wrong corners. “is this a casual date or a more formal thing? i can’t lend you anything until i know the context of this, you know.”

minhee sighs. even he doesn’t know, really.

“i suppose it might be formal? he told me he would just pick me up from my apartment… but when i asked about the restaurant he only said it would be a secret. i doubt we’d go to any random tteokbokki restaurant.” minhee watches as wonjin recalibrates this information and goes to another section of his closet for his more formal ware. “he’s the son of the director. he probably doesn’t even know what a food stall is.”

wonjin scoffs at this comment but it’s directed towards nothing in particular. finally, the older man pulls out a nicely pressed suit for minhee to wear. “i know you have plenty of suits back at home but this kind of style could be a nice change in pace. it’s more fitted, you see? a guy as good looking as you can never go wrong with a fitted suit.”

wonjin throws the suit onto minhee’s lap and closes the bedroom door behind him, a sign that minhee should probably change into it. minhee has his doubts- wonjin is almost five inches shorter than him and frankly, minhee wasn’t sure if he would fit into the clothing at all. still, minhee somehow manages to make it work and exits the bedroom to a plethora of gasps and awes that escape wonjin’s mouth.

“you look great, seriously.” wonjin gives minhee two big thumbs up and smiles. this makes minhee feel a bit better about the situation, to be frank. “just don’t do anything stupid, alright? you’re better than that. make a good impression and maybe he’ll put in a good word with the director. you never know _!_ ”

minhee shrugs. this was never his intention and he never was the kind of man that would actively seek promotion. “it’s fine, i’ll just act like myself. there’s nothing for me to say anyways- i barely know him.”

wonjin can only sigh but accepts this fact. checking the clock, wonjin stands up and puts both hands on minhee’s back. “you better hurry back home. if you get the suit dirty then you pay for dry cleaning, okay? make sure you chew mint gum before you go and try to talk more comfortably. you’ll be fine _!_ ” with a slight push, minhee is out the door and left in wonjin’s apartment hallway alone. there’s a few more minutes before the set time that jungmo had texted him a few days before, so minhee decides to pick up the pace and walk a bit more quickly back home.

thankfully, minhee doesn’t live too far away from wonjin. after a while, minhee slows back down to a regular walking speed and takes the time to look at his surroundings. the city was always bustling with life. there was so much life- almost too much- but minhee had yet to explore even a percent of it. would he ever experience what it felt like to live without worries? without regrets? minhee wished that the time would come soon. he doubted it would ever happen within his lifespan, however. that was just the way it was.

arriving at his apartment building, a flurry of voices can be heard from the entrance. standing in front of the doors was the back of a tall, well-dressed man and one of the older grannies that minhee would greet every morning. the two seemed to be in a heated argument.

“i’m telling you, i have a date with one of the tenants of this building _!_ i don’t have to prove anything to you- my love life is none of your business _!_ ” the voice seemed oddly familiar.

“young men like you are the reason the current generation has been doomed from the start… i’m simply asking for the person’s name _!_ if you can’t prove any of that then i can’t let you in. you might be a scam artist or even someone looking to pick up young girls… oh, minhee _!_ can you please tell this man to leave the building? i’ve been trying to get him to leave for so long.”

minhee had unconsciously approached the two figures, surprised when the woman suddenly called his name. the man turned around and minhee quickly knew why he had found the voice so familiar. it was jungmo.

“o-oh, miss kim, i’m so sorry. this is actually m-my… my friend. he must have mistaken the building or something, my apologies.” minhee quickly stutters, thinking of the worst excuse he can on the fly. “come on, j-jungmo _!_ we have places to be, right?” it takes all of minhee’s willpower to say jungmo’s name so casually, as if they are on the intimacy level that makes it acceptable for him to do so. for a second, minhee swears he can see jungmo smirk from the corner of his eye but disregards this notion. ms. kim looks confused, but accepts this excuse.

“well, tell him to not lie next time. lying gets you nowhere in life, you know? a bum like him probably doesn’t even have a job. get going now _!_ i don’t want you to miss your activities.” ms. kim sighs and turns around to head back into the building. “young people these days…”

when ms. kim is finally gone, minhee is aware of the tension between the two men. jungmo is also dressed in a nicely fitted suit, which seems to be even more expensive than the one wonjin had lent him moments earlier. thankfully, jungmo speaks up before things can get any worse.

“so, i’m taking this as a sign we can speak more casually now, right?” he flashes the same business smile grin at minhee, except this time the crinkles near his eyes seem genuine. minhee feels a blush spread across his face. he is embarrassed, after all.

“i won’t force you to if you’re not comfortable with it, though. i didn’t realise my name was so scary to say _!_ ” jungmo lets out a hearty laugh and runs a hand through his hair. “let’s get going. i drove here on my own so we can just take my car to the restaurant. it shouldn’t be too far.” his voice has softened, allowing minhee to hear some of what he assumes is _truly_ jungmo, behind the façade of the confident business owner’s son.

minhee wants to say something. he wants to, of course, but there isn’t much he can say. jungmo talks the entire walk to where his car is parked about something unrelated to anything they’ve ever talked about before. minhee doesn’t pay much attention to this but rather to the slight itch that has formed on the palms of his hands. because of his gloves it is hard to satisfy the itch, so minhee resorts to rubbing them his hands together in a nervous manner.

if jungmo notices this, he doesn’t say anything. rather, jungmo directs minhee’s attention to the conversation he had heard. “did you hear everything i was saying back there? if so, i apologise. i usually don’t speak to the elderly like that, believe me.”

“oh, not at all.” minhee shakes his head, knowing this is a blatant lie. “i didn’t hear much of the conversation. i didn’t even realise it was you at first, to be honest.” this part is not so much a lie.

“ah,” jungmo’s face seems to light up just the slightest bit. his grip on the steering wheel tightens. “i’m surprised you couldn’t tell. then again, we’ve only been working together for what… a week? it makes sense, i suppose.”

the car falls silent and minhee wonders if this will become the new norm. he remembers what wonjin said about speaking more casually. but how can minhee speak casually in a situation like this? his hands have stopped itching as a result of his worries. minhee knows that if he doesn’t do anything now, nothing good will come out of this outing.

“so, where are we going? i’m glad i decided to wear a suit today. i wasn’t sure if it would be formal or not.” it’s the most he can do, but surprisingly, jungmo seems to be pleased with the question. tapping his index finger on the wheel, jungmo thinks about his answer.

“i probably should have told you that beforehand. hm, oh well. it’s just a steakhouse in the middle of downtown. i’ve been there a couple times with my father for business meetings. it’s pretty good- a bit different from my time in america but better than anything else you can find in seoul.”

“oh, you spent time in america? do you know english then?” minhee lets the words tumble out of his mouth, trying his best not to sound like he is feigning interest. though it is hard for him to keep calm, he truly is interested in what jungmo has to say.

jungmo chuckles. “i only visited briefly. but i do know english. i learnt it in a foreign high school, though. it’s nothing special.” jungmo waves a hand to dismiss this, as if his multilingualism is nothing to brag about. “enough about me, though. why don’t you tell me about yourself _!_ all i really do in the office is talk about myself, anyways.”

minhee sighs. somehow, he knew this part of the conversation would come. he just didn’t expect it to be so soon. “there’s not much to say. i had a regular childhood, i guess. i went to college, completed my military service, and now i’m here. there really isn’t anything to say.” minhee hopes that this answer will be enough to satisfy the other man, but clearly it is not what the man expects of him. instead, jungmo impatiently rolls his shoulders back, keeping his eyes on the road.

“that’s impossible. we all have unique experiences, you must too. you’re talented at your job and you obviously had enough skill to get such a high position at such a young age. tell me, minhee. what are you most grateful for in your current life? if you’d like, i’ll go first. i’m grateful for the ability to love and to see. without love, how could this world keep going? i have also always taken the ability to see for granted. it’s a blessing that i am able to wake up and intake the beauty of this world, no matter how horrible it may seem with every passing day. i can go to the hangang and watch the sailboats pass by, can i not? it’s all so beautiful to me.”

minhee does not expect jungmo to go on this sort of tangent. in fact, minhee was unaware of the fact that jungmo was capable of even saying such words. it’s this surprise that knocks minhee off his feet, making him forget for a second who he is even talking to.

“i… i don’t know.” it’s the truth, minhee thinks. he hasn’t thought about it for long but knows that he probably will never come up with a better answer. “grateful for? i guess i will always be grateful for my job, the roof over my head, the food i can eat every day… but nothing special that i can say for sure. i’m pretty worthless as is, hah.” a dry laugh escapes minhee’s lips. the tension in the car has reached an all-time peak and minhee wants to curl into a ball and throw himself out the window. he sounds pathetic.

jungmo doesn’t seem to mind this answer. it almost looks as if he is taking in the information, properly digesting it in his mind.

“then how about this question. what do you hate about yourself?” this time, jungmo doesn’t offer his own answer. perhaps this makes minhee more nervous, perhaps it is just the presence of the question itself that makes minhee want to unlock the car door and leave.

“isn’t that a bit too personal?” minhee laughs awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. “what about you? it’s only fair you share first, since you asked me first.”

minhee hopes that jungmo will shoot his request down, but jungmo seems prepared for this. in fact, the answer is almost mechanical. “i hate my position. almost everyone in life has always treated me some way or another because of who my father is. i hate those who suck up to me and i’m only constantly reminded of my privileged background with each passing second. such a first world problem, don’t you think? it’s almost cowardly of me to say something like this when so many people around me have problems so much worse. so many would kill to be where i am, i know.”

the silence is unbearable at this point. minhee doesn’t know how to react. he processes the information slowly, combing over every word that jungmo utters. there’s a certain pain in jungmo’s voice by the end of his spiel, something minhee has never heard or thought he’d be able to hear. with a deep breath, minhee tries to give jungmo a comforting smile in the rear view mirror.

“it’s understandable for you to think like that, i can only imagine how hard it must be to grow up not knowing anyone’s true feelings for you. it would hurt.” minhee’s voice is small, but packs enough that jungmo feels the sincerity in his words. “i don’t know how to answer your question just yet… but i appreciate you for sharing that with me. thank you, jungmo.”

jungmo solemnly nods and makes note that minhee has finally dropped formalities with him. smiling, jungmo finds a way to bring back a more cheerful air to the conversation.

“you just called me jungmo, didn’t you? how about you call me hyung next, hm?”

when minhee realises that he has referred to jungmo directly, he almost yells. “oh my god, i’m so sorry. i really didn’t mean to…” but jungmo can only laugh as he reaches over to ruffle minhee’s hair. fuck. there went wonjin’s hard work.

“you’re fine. i prefer it this way, so i don’t mind. please just refer to me directly from now on.”

the smile is back on jungmo’s face and minhee relaxes. perhaps the night wouldn’t be as bad as he thought.

**IV.**

the night went well, for the most part. yet, here minhee was, sitting across from a not-so-sober man who had loudly proclaimed to the entire restaurant that he planned on ordering a whole tiramisu cake to eat by himself.

“j-jungmo, i don’t think that would be a good idea to eat so late at night…” minhee attempts to dissuade jungmo from calling over a waiter to take his order, but jungmo shakes his head like a stubborn child, arms folded across his chest in defiance.

“am i not an adult? can i not eat an entire cake if i want to? i’m ordering it and eating it all here. i don’t care if the restaurant closes or not- i will finish it here.” jungmo sounds groggy, but still manages to put up a front in order to get his way. minhee sighs and shakes his head from the opposite end of the table. although minhee didn’t drink regularly, he still had enough alcohol tolerance to drink wine and still be of sound mind. it seemed that jungmo wasn’t graced with this particular skill. only a few glasses of wine had turned him into a fumbling mess.

while minhee thought to himself, jungmo had somehow wrangled an unsuspecting waiter into coming over to their table. before jungmo could open his mouth, minhee interjected and reached across the table to place a hand on jungmo’s wrist. “could we get the bill, please?” minhee smiles at the waiter, who nods and heads towards the entrance to retrieve their bill.

minhee expects jungmo to protest this decision, but instead finds jungmo focusing on the placement of minhee’s hand.

“your hands are so warm…” jungmo murmurs a bit too loudly, perhaps forgetting that minhee is closer than he seems and can hear him. jungmo pays no attention to this fact, however, and continues to mumble something a bit more incoherent. flustered, minhee takes his hand away and pretends to not spot the disgruntled expression that follows on jungmo’s face.

the waiter comes back swiftly, setting the bill down in the middle of the table. while minhee casually stretches his hand out to pay for the meal, jungmo snatches the book before he can even touch it and slides a slim, black credit card into the plastic slot. nonchalantly, jungmo waves the waiter off and smirks to himself, obviously pleased with his actions. minhee cannot help but stifle a scoff that he disguises as a cough, which eventually leads him to actually cough a bit awkwardly. somehow, he knew this would happen. it was probably for the best, however. it wasn’t as if minhee had the money to spend on such an expensive meal.

when jungmo receives his receipt, he stands up and offers minhee his arm. “let’s get going. i’ll have to wait it out for a bit in my car, but after that i’ll drive you home. is that alright?” thankfully, jungmo’s mind seems to have cleared a bit from their past altercation, so minhee nods and stands up too. jungmo seems dejected as he puts down his arm and leads minhee to the exit. minhee is unsure as to why the older man seems so upset, but disregards these thoughts as mere effects of the alcohol.

the side street in which jungmo had parked previously has now become a dimly lit area, save a few streetlights a block or so away from where the car was. the two enter the car almost naturally, minhee taking the same shotgun seat he had sat in when jungmo had come to pick him up. nervously, minhee decides not to turn on the car lights in case someone may make their way over and ask if there is a problem. in any case, he doesn’t want anyone to think that jungmo had been driving while under the influence.

“god, my head fucking _hurts_.” once jungmo enters the car, he immediately holds a hand to his head and slumps into the driver seat. it seems that he truly is in pain as his eyes are squeezed shut and a corner of his lip is bitten down upon. “my only flaw is really my inability to process alcohol, aha. fuck me.” jungmo attempts to joke his way out of his pain, but this only seems to contribute to his worsening headache. “minhee, can you do me a favour and actually drive yourself back? i’m so sorry it’s come to this but i really don’t think i can survive the trip. i think i’ll be fine by the time you get yourself back.”

inside minhee’s mind, several thoughts conspire. they are a jumbled, discombobulated mess. it has been a long time since minhee has driven a car, nonetheless one as expensive as jungmo’s. although he has his license, it would not be a lie to say minhee was scared of handling the car. shaking his head, minhee understood that the night would go nowhere if he refused to.

“i suppose i have to do it then, don’t i? i’m just a bit nervous, to be honest. i’m not familiar with this car’s controls.” it is a honest answer, but not enough to give away what minhee feels deep inside. jungmo shrugs.

“here, let’s switch seats. i’ll show you the mechanics- they aren’t too hard to follow.”

and so the two men exit the car and flip roles, with minhee now in the driver seat. placing his gloved hands onto the steering wheel, minhee feels overwhelmed by the feeling of immense power that now corrodes his veins. he was terrified. with one simple slip of his gloves, a single touch of his skin, minhee was sure the entire car would burst into flames and that the night would only end in the demise of both jungmo and the vehicle. god, how foolish minhee was to accept the request _!_ only trouble laid ahead at the end of the road.

“hey,” a soft whisper suddenly tickles the tips of minhee’s ear as he realises jungmo has leaned across the center console to direct the younger man. “you’re fine. just grip the wheel tightly.” he places one of his hands on minhee’s and squeezes gently. still, the fear has not subsided. in fact, it only seems to be heightened by the fact that minhee cannot shake the fact that his hands may accidentally touch the car and jungmo if he is not careful. minhee unconsciously shakes his head. jungmo laughs at this cute impulse. 

“minhee, i’ll tell you something. i really like you.” jungmo’s voice is almost hushed, but his grip is still tight around minhee’s hand. minhee can still smell the wine on jungmo’s breath, but the words seem to tumble out with no malicious intent or altered resolve.

“oh, i like you too, jungmo.” minhee agrees, a bit bashfully. “you’re a reasonable boss. i didn’t really think you would be, to be fair, but you’re just an honest person. i’m glad you think i’m a good assistant, too.”

upon hearing this response, jungmo lets go of minhee’s hand and once again slumps back into his seat, a hand covering his face. was it laughter or sobs that escaped jungmo’s lips? minhee couldn’t tell.

“no, no. that’s not what i meant. i’m serious, minhee. i like you. i like you a lot, maybe too much. i never knew someone could be this naïve but i guess that’s just my type.” jungmo chuckles dryly, sound muffled from underneath his hand. “step on the peddle. i believe in you.”

minhee is unsure of his driving skills, but makes it safely back home. the entire ride is silent, a stark contrast from the trip to the restaurant from that evening. though minhee wishes to give into temptation and pick through every word, every detail jungmo has uttered that night, he knows that establishing a further relationship with this man will only lead to tragedy. it has been like this for his entire life- minhee knows it too well. he is too familiar with the pain that comes after, and nothing prepares him for it each time. it’s better to just let it go when he can. so minhee decides this is what he must do in the end.

“i’ll get going now. do you think you’ll be alright getting back?” minhee has already exited the car and leans over the car door to peer inside from the driver’s side. jungmo looks as if he is asleep, eyes closed in a peaceful manner with hands resting on his stomach.

“yes…” jungmo mutters, seemingly awakened from his slumber. still, jungmo is aware of the conversation and turns his head to look minhee directly in the eyes. it is at this moment minhee realises how handsome jungmo really is. he was ethereal.

“i just want to get one point across though, minhee.” jungmo yawns, reaching hands up to stretch. the action is so casual it’s almost as if jungmo is speaking to a longtime friend. “i’d like to get to know you better. i don’t think i will stop until you give me a hard answer, so i will continue for now. you’re a good person, minhee. don’t change that.” jungmo offers minhee a polite smile, not necessarily his accustomed business smile but not necessarily a genuine one either. “take care, alright? be sure to sleep soon. it feels good to be refreshed on a sunday morning, trust me.”

with those few words of advice, minhee spins around and heads back into his apartment. in his hands he clutches the bag of carryout that jungmo had sent him off with, holding it tightly to his chest. had that moment truly occurred? minhee knew that as soon as he returned home he would have to pinch himself. nothing at the moment seemed real.

**V.**

the air tastes like ashes, much to minhee’s disappointment. he is not unfamiliar with the taste, having relived this same memory from his childhood too many times to say that he can accurately describe the disgusting, dry feeling on the tip of his tongue. this memory prompts minhee to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, clutching at his bed sheets with such fervor that it’s almost as if he has been awoken by a bad dream.

minhee wishes it was as simple as a bad dream.

after he has calmed down, minhee tears the sheets from his body and exits the room, clutching a glass cup filled to the brim with cold water. in his home, almost any utensil that could be made with glass was, in fact, glass. they were the only objects that wouldn’t burn. it made minhee’s life that much more convenient.

walking to the balcony, minhee observes the night sky. the occasional cloud swept by and covered the moon, dimly blocking the light offered for a brief few seconds. minhee sighs at his own foolishness. it seemed like a pattern. ever since he had moved to seoul, his nights would always revolve around this pattern of waking up in the middle of his sleep every few days. he would relive the events of _that night_ , much to his dismay. in those moments, no matter how hard minhee tried, there was never enough time to do what he wished to do.

in minhee’s mind, he himself wasn’t sure what it was he would have done in that moment. would he have rushed back in, or would he have stood there dumbfounded, as he had as a small child? in the end, however, minhee was a coward. he assumed it would always be the latter decision.

“i want to sleep…” minhee whines to himself, fiddling with a box of matchsticks that lay in front of him. a few sticks are strewn about the glass table, while the man runs his hand over the coarse side of the box. “i want… to…” minhee trails off, hesitantly letting himself sit deeper into the chair he’s in. “i want to sleep.” the statement comes off almost as if minhee needs to reassure himself that this is what he truly wants, what he truly needs. it’s not convincing enough, it seems. minhee laughs to himself at the pathetic tone in his voice.

“stupid. i know.” minhee’s eyes cast downwards to the matches. with one swift motion, minhee snatches a single matchstick and lights it aflame, watching in wonder as the wood slowly burns out and becomes a charred, deformed excuse of a stick. hah. it’s almost like him.

minhee repeats this process until he is out of matches. by the time he is done, the sun has begun to rise and minhee understands that it is time to head to work. the day would always start anew again, whether he liked it or not.

**VI.**

minhee is unsure about how he ends up in this situation. although by now he is used to the odd and surprising happening during excursions with jungmo, it seems almost inappropriate that he should be out and about during work hours, lugging behind large shopping bags as jungmo moves from storefront to storefront, checking out the different items for sale in the mall. jungmo had previously mentioned something about an old friend getting married and how this was the only time he had to purchase a gift for her. the number of items jungmo had already purchased seemed a bit excessive, in minhee’s opinion. bags filled with clothing, shoes, and perfume had been shoved into minhee’s hands as soon as they were ready to leave.

currently, minhee is in a jewelry shop. it is a quiet, dimly lit place, save for the lights that reflect onto the rings and necklaces in the display cases. from the outside of the store, it seems almost too fancy for minhee to be in. still, accompanying jungmo had its perks. with him by his side, he didn’t seem to look too out of the blue.

as jungmo and the jeweler stood near one of the display cases with hushed voices, minhee had taken to walking around the store, eyeing a few of the trinkets that were illuminated by bright lights. in one particular case, a row of silver rings were positioned next to each other. though minhee was not one to take a particular interest in jewelery, the rings were simplistic and beautiful enough that for a second minhee knew he wouldn’t mind one day getting one of his own just to admire. it wasn’t as if he would be wearing a ring anytime soon. minhee knew his hands wouldn’t allow that to happen.

creeping up from behind, jungmo made his way over to minhee and peered from behind his shoulder to see what exactly it was that minhee was looking at.

“oh, you like those rings? i’ll get you one. i think i have enough money on this card for one more thing, anyways.” jungmo states casually, gesturing for the jeweler to take another payment from him. almost immediately, minhee whips his head around to protest, dazedly placing a hand on jungmo’s wrist in order to prevent him from handing over his credit card to the jeweler.

“dear lord- i really don’t need anything, jungmo. i was only looking at it to waste time, i-“

but it was too late. jungmo had already taken the velvet box, handed by the jeweler into his hands and latched onto the crook of minhee’s elbow.

“if we don’t hurry now we’ll be late.” jungmo smiles, dragging minhee by his side. “and don’t we all want to leave work early? it’s best if we hurry back now and avoid the noontime rush.”

a few struggling minutes later, minhee winds up back in jungmo’s car, this time, with dozens of bags littering the area surrounding his feet. jungmo can only offer a weak smile when he sees the amount he has bought for the occasion. “sorry,” he murmurs, inserting his key into the ignition. “i guess i went a bit overboard with the gifts, huh.”

before jungmo exits the parking garage, he fishes an item from his coat pocket and throws it into minhee’s lap. it’s the velvet box from before. hesitantly, minhee picks it up and turns it around in his hands, making sure that his gloves are on tight and there are no holes that may betray his touch. jungmo briefly glances at minhee before laughing. it is a real, endearing laugh. it fills the space of the car and warms minhee’s heart. who knew he’d become so attached to the man after a month under his supervision.

“open it. it’s for you, anyways. if the ring doesn’t fit i’ll send it back to get it refitted.” jungmo says this like it’s the easiest thing in the world. minhee wishes jungmo didn’t think of him like this- that minhee was _worth_ it. further attachment would get the two nowhere in the end.

“i can’t take this.” minhee opens the box and almost gasps at how nice the ring looks. simplistic, yet beautiful. it’s definitely his taste. “i… i can’t even put it on. it wouldn’t fit over my gloves and i think it’d look bulky.”

jungmo has already begun to drive but minhee sees him raise an eyebrow at his statement. “why don’t you just wear it under your gloves then? it might seem a bit odd at first but i’m sure no one will mention it. it wouldn’t be noticeable unless you were specifically looking for it.”

“please… i really can’t take it. i don’t even have the money to pay you back-“

“it’s fine, didn’t i tell you that? there’s no need to pay me back. i just wanted to do something nice for you. you’ve helped me more than enough times.” jungmo seems exasperated now, his voice growing weary with each word. he smiles and shakes his head solemnly. “oh, minhee. i never knew that a human could be so selfless. it doesn’t even feel like reality anymore.”

minhee is unsure as to what jungmo means. him? selfless? it’s a cruel joke in its entirety. if only jungmo knew what kind of person minhee really was. perhaps jungmo wouldn’t care anymore, would fire him on the spot.

minhee knows it’s bound to happen. so why can’t he just let jungmo go?

**VII.**

the trees sway gently in the wind. it is a little after minhee has finished eating dinner, a little after he has felt the solitude of the night start to seep in through the windows and entertain his mind with thoughts he preferred to keep to himself. the entire country was under a period of celebration, a national holiday falling in between the hectic work schedule that minhee had already become accustomed to. on days like these, it was more and more obvious how alone minhee was. although many were out and about celebrating, he seemed to be the only one still at home, boringly poking at a bowl of rice he had made the night before.

three months had passed since minhee had transferred to work under jungmo’s division. slowly, minhee found himself enjoying jungmo’s presence, even tolerating the incessant teasing that came with the daily hustle and bustle. although his workload had not decreased in the slightest, each day never felt like a chore. minhee enjoyed his work. it kept his mind off a lot of things, to be honest.

the darkness called his name. minhee could not pinpoint when exactly it had started to heed his presence, but the darkness would constantly call out for minhee. it was never comforting enough, never soothing enough for him to flirt with the temptation. instead, minhee turned almost all his time and devotion to the flame within. thinking to himself, minhee reached up to touch his face. his lips had curved into a sick, grotesque smile. did he think this was some sort of joke? how could he laugh in the face of harm? he chastised himself for these thoughts. they were wrong, but they were too enticing to ignore.

minhee decides he has ate enough, so he throws the remainder of his meal into the trash and places the empty bowls into the sink. he is too tired to clean everything up tonight and decides his best option is to fall asleep. although he knows he’ll end up waking up in the middle night, as is the norm these days, minhee still feels tired. he wants to sleep.

minhee finishes washing his hands and is about to head towards his bedroom when his phone buzzes from the kitchen. minhee wonders who could call him at such a late time in the day, especially given that wonjin was definitely out partying with his coworkers and not many people in the office called him on the daily. in fact, there was absolutely no one that minhee could name off the top of his head that would ever have business in calling him at this time in the day.

still, minhee ventures back into the kitchen and picks up the phone. he gives the caller id no regard and instead places the receiver near his mouth and speaks.

“yes? who is this?” minhee sounds horrible and he admits this fully. minhee feels tired, but knows he has no right to feel this way.

“this is kang minhee, isn’t it? it’s jungmo. i was wondering if you were free right now.” the voice on the other end shocks minhee, enough that he suddenly perks up and straightens his posture almost instantly. “you sound tired, though. if you’re not free that’s alright. besides, i understand it’s a holiday right now.”

“n-no, it’s fine. i’m free. i was just busy doing something just now but i just happened to finish… why do you ask?” minhee begins to fidget with the loose threads at the end of his shirt, wondering why jungmo would request his presence at such an odd time. could it possibly be…? no, it couldn’t be. for what reason outside of work or personal requests would jungmo require minhee to be by his side? it was merely wishful thinking. minhee hoped that for once someone would care about him.

there’s a slight pause on jungmo’s side. it isn’t noticeable, but minhee swears that he can hear jungmo swallow in reluctance. “well, my idiot father decided to give me an entire cabinet of files to sort through during chuseok! what a way to treat your only son…” jungmo stifles a yawn. “it’s getting a bit late, but i’m sure you’re aware of this. i just thought an extra pair of hands would get me to finish this quicker. also i wouldn’t mind your company.”

minhee was right. it wasn’t anything special, really. just a simple overtime excursion. “ah. so you’d like me to come over to the office and help you sort through the files?”

“well, my father’s secretary actually dropped the files off at my place. it’s funny- when he came here he told me that this was usually job that he would assign to you, but ever since you’ve been absent he’s finding it harder to do these simple tasks.” jungmo sighs heavily and seemingly throws himself up from his chair. “but that doesn’t mean he can just force it on me _!_ i have a life, unlike him. i could be joining friends right now but here i am, stuck between piles of papers. please, minhee. you’re my only hope.”

minhee gives in. it’s hard not to. “of course i’ll come over. i don’t know your address, though. would you be comfortable with me coming over? i don’t want to intrude on anything…”

“oh, you’re fine. i’m surprised i haven’t given it to you sooner. i’ll send it as soon as possible- just come over whenever you can. i fear i may die of boredom before i can finish this next pile. the subway should still be running at this time, but the sooner you come the better, really. i look forward to seeing you again, minhee.”

the line cuts off and minhee is left alone, consumed with his own thoughts.

but there is no time to think. or rather, there is no time to dwell on what minhee knew would cloud his mind for the rest of the week. while changing into a more presentable outfit, minhee picked through each and every word that jungmo had said. _tired. free. you. hope_. those were the words that stuck out to him the most. minhee could not stop himself from overanalysing every bit of the conversation that had just unfolded. by now, it was almost the norm.

jungmo was correct. the subway was still open, albeit emptier than usual. of course there was always the occasional drunk man and underpaid office worker, but these were too normal to bat an eye at. instead, minhee focused on the warm, tingling sensation that travelled from his hands and to his feet, warming him up in the chilled autumn air. by the time minhee reached the address jungmo had provided him with, it was already late at night. the sun had begun to set as it had been setting earlier and earlier as the seasons went on. minhee takes one look at his phone and enters the building.

minhee lets himself in. jungmo’s apartment door is unlocked, perhaps anticipating the arrival of the younger man. minhee finds jungmo splayed out in the living room floor, stacks and bins full of paper and other miscellaneous items surrounding his body. when jungmo spots minhee approaching, he suddenly bolts up and pretends to be busy at work. it’s no use- minhee knows this is more of a gag than anything.

“well, this is… not surprising, really. i’m pretty used to this type of thing being dumped on me on the holidays. i’m surprised the director didn’t just contact me directly.” minhee sets down his work bag on a chair and crouches down to pick up a few discarded files. just by looking at the colour and markings, minhee understands where they need to go. it seems jungmo hasn’t picked up on those cues yet.

“used to? are you saying my father actually regularly forced this on you? wow. i didn’t know he was such a slave driver…” jungmo exclaims, groping around for another file to place on his face. when he does find one, he uses it as a fan instead. “i’m starting to sweat under this bright light. how long have i been here, a few hours? this type of work just isn’t for me.”

minhee softly laughs at jungmo’s exaggerations and begins to pull out similar files from a bin and reorganise them. jungmo was right in saying the work didn’t suit him. almost everything was filed wrong.

minhee decides to keep this fact to himself and instead silently works, aware that jungmo has sat up and begun to study minhee’s every move.

“is there something you need?” minhee mutters, too concentrated on the task at hand to formulate a full-fledged response. jungmo scoffs.

“you know, it’s chuseok and we’re here working our asses off for god knows why. isn’t that a bit unfair? come on, let’s at least have a drink before we continue working, eh?” jungmo stands up and bends down to snatch the files from minhee’s hands, swiftly placing them on another desk before minhee can retort. “and you can’t complain either. either way, i’m still your boss. we’ve got to find _some_ time to let loose, don’t we?”

the words flow almost too perfectly. it’s almost as if jungmo has rehearsed this moment too many times to count, lost track of the time he’s spent fantasizing about a time when this would be possible. minhee reluctantly follows jungmo into the kitchen where the older man has already ducked behind the counter and pulled out two bottles of soju. it doesn’t appear to be a cheap brand, but minhee isn’t sure how one can even get a higher grade soju in the first place. he supposed that was just how rich jungmo was.

popping open the cap and forcing a bottle into minhee’s hands, jungmo clinks the two bottles together and takes a long, clean swig of the alcohol. when minhee tries to imitate the same movement, he ends up choking on the burning sensation that slides down his throat and lingers for a moment. panicked, jungmo immediately reaches out a hand to pat minhee’s back but before he can, minhee stops him. it was fine. to be honest, minhee almost enjoyed the sensation. it made him feel so, so _alive_.

“i haven’t had soju in so long… it feels good.” minhee mumbles indistinctively, unsure if what he’s experiencing is even reality. in a daze, minhee slumps down into a nearby chair. jungmo follows, slowly approaching the man. minhee can already smell the alcohol on his breath.

“minhee…” jungmo’s eyes are cast downwards towards minhee’s trembling lips, whether it is out of desire or curiosity. in one hasty movement, jungmo drags his thumb against minhee’s bottom lip, letting it linger for only a second before he removes it. “i actually didn’t think you’d come tonight. you always surprise me.”

“why did you think that?” in minhee’s mind, he knows it is unwise to pry further. the answer can only lead to more emotions, more sentiment to carry with him. although he cannot risk it, minhee asks anyways. this is the first time minhee has ever lived in the present, without a single care for what may happen in the future.

“well, i suppose i was under the impression you hated me. foolish of me to think, i know. but i always assumed you detested me for who i was, what i wanted. in the end, i’d just like to know you better. it’s the only real wish i have as of now. do you blame a man for trying?”

minhee should be running, crying, leaving. he should not be here, that is for sure. every moment spent with jungmo is another moment that his whole world will stop and erupt into flames. minhee cannot risk this. he needs to leave, _now_.

minhee doesn’t leave. he doesn’t want to leave, and it is that realisation that hurts him the most. for once, minhee almost feels loved- but perhaps this is just wishful thinking. he wished that jungmo would like him. he wished that for once, someone would take him in their arms and whisper that it was alright. minhee wanted for things to be alright.

jungmo notices minhee does not respond and continues, periodically stopping to open another bottle of soju once he notices he has finished the first. “i’ve never really been self-conscious. but somehow, i feel so idiotic around you. it’s not bad, necessarily. it’s a new feeling, however, and i find that it is nothing i’ve experienced before. words cannot describe you, minhee. there is something so strange yet so otherworldly about being near you… i would like to get to know you even better. i want to know you intimately.”

jungmo reaches out to tuck a strand of hair behind minhee’s ear. it has grown since they first met. “can you tell me something you’ve never told anyone else, minhee? could you do that for me?”

can minhee do it? it’s an honest question. jungmo had grown to become someone minhee could not afford to lose, yet could not afford to stay with either. his answer would make or break their relationship. minhee wasn’t sure what the right choice was.

still, minhee chooses to lead with his heart. he had always thought of those who led with their hearts as inferior, as emotions often can collide with the interest of others and cause unnecessary problems. in his mind, this was one of those problems. still, minhee was selfish. he was greedy. there was only so much he could hold in his heart before it all came spilling out like unlatched floodgates.

“i… i hate myself.” minhee’s voice is hoarse, still in pain from the fiasco with the alcohol only moments before. still, he continues. “i’ve always hated myself. i hate… i hate these stupid hands. the source of all my problems…” minhee laughs at himself. how pitiable he was at that moment _!_

“what is there to say? must i relive my past trauma in order to stay on good terms with you? must i release all this anguish- and for what reason? nothing good will come out of this, koo jungmo. i’m simply worthless. and when you know, when you know _!_ you’ll hate me for sure. i cannot say any more.”

slowly, jungmo takes minhee’s gloved hands in his, ignoring the faint shudder that courses through minhee’s body when he does.

“no… i never said that. i don’t think any less of you because of this. i want to help you, i really do. but if this will only cause you pain, then don’t say anything. i’ll survive, really.”

minhee shakes his head. it’s too late. although he had acted defiant, in reality, he had already made up his mind.

“where can i even start… there’s no easy way to tell you this. it’s been so long since anyone has asked me how i feel.” minhee feels the tears in his eyes begin to slide down his cheeks, creating trail marks in the process. jungmo reaches out to wipe the tears away, doing the best he can in the meantime to provide comforting pats on the back. “i hated my brother. it was never a real hatred, but i despised him when he left for college and never sent letters back. i was immature then. i’m immature now.”

“the day has always been a blur for me. i can only remember specifics of the one moment, that one stupid moment that i will never forget. i’ve tried so hard to forget but it always comes back to me in dreams, comes back to me in the form of reality. how can i forget something so horrific? my brother had came home from college and all i could do was selfishly tell my parents and extended family how i hated him and didn’t wish to see him. i didn’t return home after school that day. instead, i stayed back at school and played with friends. if only i had went home.” minhee stifles a dry laugh. it is self-deprecating, to say the least.

“i don’t know how i got home. i don’t know who brought me home. but by the time i had arrived, i no longer had a home. i no longer had a family. everything i knew and everyone i loved was gone. just like that, can you believe it?” minhee sounds fine, as if he has prepared his entire life for this moment, yet his face betrays his true thoughts. there is no stopping the tears that stream down his face and dirty his clothes. “when i arrived home the house was still in flames. i don’t even think i said anything, like the horrible child i was. i could only taste the ashes as i struggled to keep my distance… i think i ended up choking on a few that wound up in my windpipe. if i could turn back time i’d tell myself to keep choking. perhaps i would be dead if i did it fast enough.”

the silence in the room is deafening. minhee just knows that jungmo pities him in that moment. there is no stronger emotion that pity, and minhee hates it.

“whatever. i’m fine now. i don’t need you to feel bad for me, it’s all in the past.” but to minhee, this was not a subject of the past. it haunted his every step. it was a constant reminder that he was a fuck up, that he did not deserve to be alive while every member in his family had met an untimely end. minhee was lying.

“minhee… i don’t know what to say. i can’t understand what you’re feeling but-“

“then why ask in the first place? i never expected you to understand. i didn’t expect anything at all. i… i just want to be alone. it was a bad idea telling you all of this. i apologise in advance. if you drop off the rest of the files by tomorrow i can finish them before the end of chuseok. i’ll just be leaving now, if you’ll excuse me.” minhee was furious, although he did not know at what. minhee tried his best to keep his voice level, but once in a while his voice would crack and reveal the weaknesses in the wall he had spent so long putting up.

minhee shuffles towards the door. the subway should still be open, giving him enough time to head home.

the entire way out, minhee wonders if jungmo will turn around and call out for him to come back. he wonders if jungmo will take him in his arms and tell minhee it will be alright, that he apologises for nothing but nonetheless finds the need to apologise. minhee doesn’t care at this point, any comforting words will be welcome. still, nothing happens. jungmo remains in the same spot that he had been while minhee had spilled the contents of his heart. it wasn’t fair.

the subway is even emptier so late at night. the hollow cars only solidify minhee’s feelings. he is alone. there is no fanfare to this statement, nothing noteworthy to make of it. simply, minhee is alone, as he always has been. minhee has not felt true warmth since the passing of his family and knows there will never be a day where he can feel the same comfort again. minhee wished he didn’t exist.

minhee arrives at his apartment and takes the time to unlock his door. everything is as he left it, with clothes strewn about the bed and dirty bowls piled into the sink. there is little to no motivation to complete these chores, so minhee heads to bedroom to prepare to sleep. although he knows it will be a hassle to change in the morning, there is nothing that can motivate him to get up and get everything out of the way. with his face in his pillows, minhee lets out a soft sigh. he is tired.

minhee checks his bedside clock. it’s almost midnight, surprisingly. had he really been at jungmo’s place for that long? time seemed to go by so quickly these days. but perhaps any time spent around jungmo would always feel like seconds to minhee.

in the moonlight, minhee’s gloves illuminate. his right glove is still tinted a dark shade of pink in different splotches, all from the incident of three months ago. though minhee has spare gloves, for some odd reason, he cannot bear to throw this specific pair away. it held a sort of sentimental value, as if he threw them away he would suddenly forget about that day and the memories him and jungmo shared.

frusturated, minhee begins to take off his gloves. on nights like these where his thoughts were unclear and his mind would not stop its increased fervor, it was only natural that he could not handle the weight of the gloves. dropping to the floor, minhee walks over to the kitchen to finally turn off the lights so he can go to sleep. before he can reach the light switch, there’s a panicked knock on the door. it’s frenzied, but not too loud as not to wake any neighbours. minhee is surprised- who the hell could it be at such an hour?

thinking it to be one of the tenants who has been locked outside their own room, minhee opens the door, rubbing at his eyes in the process. instead of it being a lost resident, however, it is jungmo. his hair is a mess, ravaged by the outside winds, while his cheeks show the slightest tint of pink as if bitten by the cold autumn air.

“j-jungmo?” minhee stutters, losing balance before stumbling backwards. jungmo catches minhee before he can fall any further, one hand placed on the small of his back while one hand encircles his wrist. this is too close to minhee’s bare hand- his mind instantly goes into a panic.

“jungmo, please, let go of me-“ minhee struggles, trying his best to free his wrist from the other man’s grasp without directly placing his hands on the man’s skin. “please, i beg you, i don’t want it to end like this-“ but minhee is soon cut off by the motion of jungmo placing his lips on his head, almost forcefully backing minhee into a wall to deepen the gesture. with the wind knocked out of him and the words stolen right from his lips, there is nothing minhee can do but accept it as it is. jungmo tastes like the soju they shared hours before. he smells like the sickly sweet scent of cherries.

when jungmo finally lets go, minhee is out of breath and panting, obviously shocked by the sudden encounter. thankfully, the front door had closed when jungmo had entered the room, so any prying eyes would have been immediately shunned.

minhee slumps down onto the ground, unconsciously reaching up to touch his swollen lips. a small string of saliva still hung from the corner of his mouth, instantly rubbing it away once he realised it was still there. cautiously, jungmo crouches down to minhee’s level. the look in his eyes is unreadable. minhee wants to know what jungmo is thinking.

“minhee, i don’t think i can wait any longer. i don’t want to be the person who only regrets, only thinks about what i could have done, what i should have done, what i would have done. i want to only look forward and never look back. you get that, right? although i cannot say i understand what you feel and the pain you go through, i want to try my best to understand. please, lay your worries on me. rely on me. i want to be someone you can trust with your entire heart. can’t you fulfill that one request for me?”

minhee’s lips cannot stop trembling. the information deemed to be too much to handle at once, but jungmo was determined to get his point across.

“i love you, minhee. i don’t want to lose you now. i fear that if i do not do something now, i will never have a chance to do this again. i love you beyond what words can say.”

suddenly, jungmo grasps both of minhee’s hands. it is in this moment that minhee swears he can see jungmo’s life flash before his eyes- why did he do that? minhee is panicked, body moving faster than his mind. in his perspective, minhee is an abomination, a monster. he has already tainted jungmo and it is too late to save him. the least he can do now is apologise profusely.

“jungmo, stop it _!_ please just let go of me- you don’t understand _!_ ” the tears will not stop. minhee thinks he has cried enough tears in that single night to fill the entire han river. “i don’t want to lose you either. i-i can’t live without you, please. jungmo, i don’t want you to die.”

the expression on jungmo’s face can only be described as confused. his grip on minhee’s hands are strong as he feels the coarse skin, bruised and weakened by years of abuse and hard labour. even in the darkness, jungmo could still tell how ashamed minhee felt.

“minhee,” jungmo murmurs, pressing a soft kiss against minhee’s closed eyelids. jungmo remarks to himself that the taste of minhee’s tears is almost melancholy. “i’m still here, aren’t i? i’m alive, and i’m here. i’ll continue being here. i’m not going anywhere.” after more comforting words are exchanged, minhee’s sobs subside into small hiccups. the two men don’t know how long they spend in the kitchen floor, but time passes by too quickly for them to make any sense of it. the next time jungmo looks at his watch, the hour hand is on the number two. it is late.

when jungmo stands up to leave, he is pulled down once more by a slight tug on his coat sleeve. minhee, still on the ground, tries his best to offer him a limp smile. jungmo acknowledges the effort.

“jungmo, before you leave, can i ask you for one thing in return?” minhee’s voice is small, barely loud enough to hear. jungmo nods. of course, he would do anything for the younger man. “can you… can you just hug me? i’m sorry if the request seems odd-“

but this is the least jungmo can do. instantly, jungmo pulls minhee into a tight hug, with one hand behind his head in order to stroke his hair. “it’s alright, minhee. everything is going to be alright.” and with these two sentences minhee feels like maybe, just maybe, the day had not been wasted after all.

**VIII.**

“immersive therapy? i don’t think i follow.” the café that surrounds the two men is alive with chatter, as it is a hectic monday afternoon. the café seems to be a popular spot with the younger working class, with many young office workers stepping in and out of the shop to pick up a simple meal or to order something and sit down for a short amount of time. jungmo and minhee, on the other hand, are here on their lunch break. jungmo has just suggested an idea to the man in front of him.

“i know you said you tried therapy before, but this is different. instead of just talking about your problems, i think it would be best to just try and resolve them with hands-on experience. i think you understand where this is going next, don’t you minhee? i want to start out slow. i want to show you that you don’t harbour any negative power. your hands cannot do any serious harm.”

minhee nervously bites down on his lower lip. he understood what jungmo was implying, but he didn’t know if he was ready for such a large step.

“what if i can’t do it? it’s been so many years… i doubt i could simply take off my gloves in public and start being normal again.” squirming in his seat, minhee stuffed a bite of his sandwich into his face in an attempt to block out the anxious thoughts that soon clouded his mind. “i’d only agree if you were by my side the entire time. i don’t think i could do it alone.”

jungmo smiles. it is courteous, thoughtful. “of course i’d help you. i’ll be with you every step of the way. didn’t i promise that?” from his coat pocket, jungmo retrieves a smal notebook and a pen. when he opens it open, a detailed outline of what he pens “touch theory” covers every line in every page. it seems as if jungmo has spent a long time thinking about this plan.

“we’ll start out with small things, like a piece of paper. maybe even a plant. eventually, once you begin to realise that nothing has changed, we’ll move onto larger objects. for now i won’t subject you to anything like a human or animal, but i’m sure that i’m already living proof that you’re free from those constraints, right? i’m still here, minhee. i’m still alive.” jungmo reaches across the table and playfully pats one of minhee’s cheeks. they have a certain flush to them, something that only happens when jungmo is around.

although minhee is still uncertain, he is willing to take the risk knowing jungmo is by his side. after a moment’s consideration, he eventually nods his head and agrees with the words written on the paper. for the most part, the plan makes sense. it would require more effort on minhee’s side, but if it was successful, his efforts would pay off. for once, minhee can truly see the light at the end of the tunnel. everything seemed to be going up from then.

“great. i’ll come over periodically then. we can start whenever you’re ready, i want to make sure you’re comfortable at all times and don’t feel pressured to do this. your recovery is the most important aspect of this entire plan- i don’t want to jeopardize it in any way.” jungmo closes the book and tucks it back into his pocket. checking his watch, it seems that the lunch break is over. “we should head back soon. did you want anything else?”

minhee shakes his head. he really must stop making a habit of letting jungmo pay for his meals. “no, it’s alright. let’s just head back soon.”

…

jungmo follows his plan quite diligently. minhee is almost surprised about how serious he seems each time he comes over, given that in the office, the older man didn’t seem to care much for the professionalism of the job he held. in fact, only days prior, jungmo had been scolded by his father for relying too much on minhee in handling his paperwork. as a director, his father had chastised him in front of the entire office, one not only should know how to deal with the higher-end tasks, but also efficiently and proficiently complete tasks that were to be done by lower-end workers such as secretaries and assistants. later that day jungmo would profusely apologise to minhee despite minhee stating numerous times that he required no such apology.

first, jungmo had brought in a book. it was an antique, purchased from a nearby bookstore at such a low cost one would have assumed it was worth nothing at all. minhee had first struggled, wading back in forth between the decision to take his gloves off or to keep them on. eventually, minhee caved under jungmo’s constant attention, and was able to pick up the book and fan through a few pages before setting it back down on a table with shaking hands. excitedly, jungmo had enveloped minhee into a tight hug and congratulated him. it felt warm. minhee seemed to enjoy the feeling.

the next time they met, jungmo bought a new phone for minhee. despite already having one, minhee hardly ever used his as it was a hassle to switch between two different types of gloves. his usual white gloves were not equipped to use the touchscreen, so minhee had purchased a special pair with different fabric where the fingertips were. jungmo had thrown those gloves away and presented minhee with the upgraded model instead. although in any other situation minhee would have been furious, the sight of those intolerable gloves in the trash only made him more exited. things were looking up, that was for sure.

and so months of this “touch theory” passed, with each week rotating between different items of different sizes and uses. the progress was slow, yet steady. minhee was sure that jungmo was as proud as he was. now, minhee would only use his gloves during the workday, leaving them off during the afternoon or whenever jungmo was around. it felt domestic, to a degree. whenever jungmo came over, they would spend half the time progressing through minhee’s therapy and the other half doing whatever came to mind, such as sitting down to binge a drama or cooking a recipe found online. like minhee thought, it felt domestic.

on one particular afternoon, jungmo tells minhee to come with him outside. most of their usual sessions happened indoors, in the comfort of minhee’s own living space. yet, jungmo thought minhee was ready for something more high-stakes, something that would push him a little bit further. if minhee could accomplish this, jungmo was sure that they could go through with the rest of the plan without any troubles ahead.

the two men stand outside minhee’s apartment complex, staring at jungmo’s prized car. “ah, are we going somewhere?” minhee asks, hands nervously wrung together. recently his scars have begun to fade, leaving splotches of red and purples in places too hard to mask.

“theoretically, i suppose. it really just depends on what you want. but i guess i’ll tell you straightforwardly. i want you to drive my car again, minhee. don’t you remember our first date?” jungmo flashes a cheeky smile at the other man, hands stuffed into his pant pockets. “i still can’t believe i made you drive me. what kind of idiot goes through that kind of thinking?”

minhee nervously glances at the car. it was a nice vehicle, well-kept and obviously loved by its owner. although minhee had made quick progress and was slowly getting accustomed to this new lifestyle, the challenge of driving scared him. he could still not forget his past fears, especially as he had experienced this sort of terror before.

“oh… did you want to go anywhere? i think i’ll perform better with a destination in mind.” minhee sighs, allowing jungmo to open the driver door for him after the man notices his hands shaking. “how about we visit the hangang? it’ll be a nice sight as the sun sets.”

jungmo nods. “that’s fine. you know how to get there still? i can give you verbal directions if you need it.”

“no, i’m fine. i think i can handle it.” minhee breathes out, stretching out his fingers before he finally places them on the steering wheel. for a second, minhee squeezes his eyes shut, unable to take the pressure that his built up to this moment. instead of an immediate explosion, however, everything is still where it is. minhee is alive, jungmo is alive, and the car is still intact. a sigh of relief escapes his lips. minhee feels ready to go.

“where to?” minhee asks, glancing over at jungmo all the while. jungmo shrugs at this question, and instead of answering leaves it up in the air.

“well, didn’t you say it yourself? let’s visit the hangang. hopefully it’ll be peaceful around this time of day.” at this suggestion, minhee nods. with one final grip of the steering wheel, minhee takes a deep breath and steps on the gas. this it. minhee has finally given up on his fears. there is no longer anguish or despair. with jungmo by his side, it felt as if anything was possible. after all, only months ago, would he have been able to believe himself if he said that eventually there would come a time when he’d be free from his own torment? minhee doubted it. and so minhee was happy. he really was.

**IX.**

six months pass as if it is nothing at all. work in the office eventually reaches a stagnant pace, as most work does during the cold winter months. it has become increasingly hard for minhee to continue taking the subway to work, as the long walks outside and crowded subway cars do not fare well with minhee’s anxiety-ridden personality. instead, minhee opts to ride to work with jungmo every few days, occasionally sneaking in a light kiss on the cheek every now and then. although it embarrasses him to degrees beyond human comprehension, it felt nice to this wanted.

today, the air is cold. especially cold, in fact, that minhee immediately calls for jungmo to come over. half the reason is because of the weather, yes, but perhaps minhee just desires to see the man’s face again. it was a bit childlike, admittedly, but minhee could not justify his decisions. to him, it was another one of his selfish reasonings.

when minhee enters the car, jungmo is waiting in the driver’s seat, index finger rhythmically tapping on the steering wheel as if deep in thought. minhee tilts his head to the side. “is something on your mind?”

jungmo is quick to respond- he always is when something’s bothering him.

“yeah, there is. it just occurred to me that it’s been half a year since we first started your immersive therapy. don’t you think you’ve improved so much? i think this calls for some kind of celebration. we should go out to eat after work.” midway through his explanation, jungmo starts the engine and drives off. light snow passes by the car, coating the windows but only for mere seconds before it is quickly melted by the hot touch of the car’s surface.

“so… a date?” minhee wonders out loud, internally cursing himself when he realises this.

“mhm. what else would it be if not?” although minhee is not looking at jungmo’s face at that moment, he knows that tone of voice so well. jungmo is smirking, that’s for sure.

minhee is used to these sudden arrangements. it seemed that this was the kind of person jungmo was, someone who lived life day by day rather than planning out beforehand. perhaps this kind of thinking was the key to success, the reason why him and his father had gotten so far in life. still, minhee was continuously surprised whenever a proposition was presented to him. he would never be used to this lifestyle.

the day passes by rather monotonously. minhee sees jungmo in the office less and less frequently recently. this is only a tell-tale sign of his growing rank and power. others in the office have now seen his true skills, understood that although he was an average worker at best, he made up for everything with his charm and public speaking. there was a certain flair to his speech that made everyone in the room want to stop what they were doing and listen. in minhee’s eyes, jungmo was a natural born leader.

surprisingly, minhee finishes all his work before the end of the day. as there are no other tasks he can complete, having finished even miscellaneous ones that were not due till the end of the month, minhee decides to leave work early. although him and jungmo had agreed to go to the restaurant where their date was to be together after work, minhee thought it would be a nice surprise to go home, change, and perhaps find a small thank you gift for jungmo’s efforts. it seemed fitting for the time.

after sending a quick text to jungmo, minhee exits the building and walks back home. it is a long walk, but he will make it in time so that there are a few minutes left to spare. almost instantly he receives a reply, with jungmo stating that he will pick up minhee a few minutes before their reservation. this doesn’t seem to be a problem, so minhee continues along his way and heads home.

how many minutes pass? minhee can’t recall. it is unlike him to not keep track of time, but this isn’t necessarily a work matter, so perhaps that explanation makes a bit of sense.

something doesn’t feel right. minhee cannot shake the feeling from his head, cannot explain it properly. all minhee can say is that something doesn’t feel right. cautiously, minhee checks his bedside clock. around fifteen minutes have passed past their reservation time. it is odd- but minhee has yet to make anything of it. it didn’t really matter where the two went, minhee would enjoy in nonetheless. in the end, if they were to eat carryout at his home, it would still be as enjoyable of an experience as going to a restaurant would have been.

the sound of the clock hand ticking down to the next minute is deafening. has it always been this loud?

pacing around the room, minhee clasps both hands behind his back, finding it increasingly hard not to pick at the scabs that have formed around his scars. for what seems like hours, minhee finally receives a phone call. it is jungmo’s number- minhee is relieved.

minhee presses the phone against his cheek. the glass is cold and sends shivers down his spine. almost as if he begging for a voice on the other line, minhee speaks up first.

“jungmo? where are you?” he sounds pathetic, but in front of jungmo, it seems there are no limits to how minhee acts.

the other side is silent for a moment. is jungmo alright? it takes awhile before another voice speaks, and this time, it isn’t jungmo.

“minhee? i hope you’re doing alright.” it’s the director’s voice. it is not his usual boastful tone, however. his voice is now replaced with sadness and fatigue. why? why? why? minhee could not make any sense of it. had he accidentally replaced jungmo’s contact information with the director’s? was this some weird joke that jungmo had planned beforehand?

“i… i don’t know how to say this properly.” there is a sigh on the other end of the line. “my son… was involved in a car accident. please come over to the hospital as soon as possible. his condition is critical.” they are hard words to utter and even harder words to hear. minhee doesn’t know if what he is living in is reality. he hadn’t heard correctly… had he?

minhee doesn’t remember how he gets to the hospital. in fact, in those few moments, time doesn’t seem to exist. the faint memory of sporadically checking his phone as he told the taxi the hospital address is all but present in his mind. there are pictures on the internet of developing news stories. supposedly, the son of a prominent businessman was involved in a head-on collision. the car had burst into flames. hah _!_ there it was _!_ the detail that minhee had dreaded reading his entire life. it stared him in the face and spat on everything he loved. minhee was a monster. this was his fault.

by the time minhee is allowed to see jungmo, he is a fumbling mess. it is obvious he has spent the past hours sobbing, with a handful of nurses periodically checking in on him to ask if he needs help. minhee cannot hear them- he has blocked out almost all noises. his hands are numb, his mouth is dry, and his eyes burn. how minhee wanted to die in that moment _!_ it felt cruel that jungmo was laying in the next room, only a few feet apart, yet the distance felt so far. if only it had been me, minhee anguished. if only it had been me instead _!_

it is late into the night when jungmo finally awakens. a large bandage wraps around his chest and torso, while an ice pack is gently laid on the side of his head. there should be more celebration with his recovery, but he can only focus on one thing.

“where… where is minhee?” the words come out cracked, broken, beat. it is obvious he is tired. a nearby nurse concerningly raises an eyebrow but seems to process the information quickly enough to understand what he wants.

“that man outside? he’s been waiting here for hours. should i get him here for you?” the nurse is gentle with her words as she monitors jungmo’s vitals on a nearby screen. jungmo nods, although the act of doing so is more painful than merely speaking. “alright. i’ll let him in and give you two a few moments of privacy. i’ll need to come back later to do some periodic checks, but make sure not to strain yourself in the meantime.” the nurse leaves the room and all that is left is the sound of sporadic pinging from a nearby machine.

jungmo sighs. there’s not much he can remember after the crash. but for now, those thoughts did not matter. he was more concerned with what minhee was doing, how he was handling the situation. if his suspicions were correct, he feared for the worst. he wanted to see minhee now.

a few moments later the hospital room door opens and in walks minhee. although he is still wearing the suit from the afternoon before, it looks like a disheveled mess. his eyes are swollen red, marked by hours of exhaustion and quiet sobs in the hospital corridor. jungmo frowns ever so slightly. he wants to reach out and wipe the tears away for minhee, but can’t muster the strength to do so. it hurts to not be able and touch minhee like that.

“jungmo…” minhee’s voice sounds so pathetic in that moment. with every step he takes, minhee knows that the tears will eventually fall and no one will be there to help him up. why was he born this way? minhee felt no remorse for himself. it wasn’t as if he deserved any of it, anyways. minhee’s existence was another stain on the earth. it was laughable how long he had managed to stay standing.

“it’s alright, minhee.” it takes all his strength to get those words out, but jungmo does it. the pain in his voice is cannot be masked, however. minhee hears this loud and clear. it breaks him even further. “i’m here, i’m alive. didn’t i tell you i’d be here with you till the end? i wouldn’t lie to you, right?”

minhee desperately wants to believe this. he really does. but in his mind, nothing can excuse his behaviour. it was his own selfish thoughts that had brought him here. starting from the day that minhee agreed to eat out with jungmo to the decision to leave work early. it was all connected, all of it following some sick sort of butterfly effect that’s only purpose was to make minhee suffer. minhee wished he was back at home. his fingers itched to feel the pain of fire on his skin. he wanted to feel the lick of the flame as it caressed his hands and called out his name. fire was the only thing that comforted him, fire was the only thing that could destroy him.

minhee couldn’t listen. instead, the tears fell and his pride was gone. kneeling over jungmo’s bed, minhee buries his face into the sheets. he does not deserve to look jungmo in the eyes.

before jungmo can say anything else, minhee stands up. his eyes are cast downwards as he cannot bear to see jungmo in this state. although he never saw his family members after that one eventful day, he imagines jungmo looks exactly as his family did moments before their death. to look at him again… it would have been too much.

“this is all my fault…” minhee bites down on his lower lip, hard enough that he tastes the metallic sting of blood on the tip of tongue. “i’m so sorry. i don’t think i can do this anymore.” and just like that, six months of progress is gone. minhee turns his back to leave, blocking out the sounds of a quickened heart beat and jungmo’s faint protests. nothing really mattered anymore. minhee was worthless. his life would only continue to bring destruction to anyone he became close to. wasn’t this just the painful evidence of that claim?

**X.**

winter comes and goes. spring arrives. this year, the changing of seasons is nothing to celebrate. although jungmo has finally been released after months of recovery and physical therapy, he is no longer satisfied with himself. it has been months since has last seen minhee, months since he has even heard of his existence. on better days, when the birds outside the hospital window sing sweet tunes and jungmo can only force a smile, he tries to call minhee. the calls always end in the sound of a voicemail, though jungmo has to have expected it by now. there is no other way to contact minhee. after all, if he doesn’t want to meet jungmo, why should he force him to?

jungmo’s father plans out a welcoming party when he is released from the hospital. although he is thankful back to be in the open air without the stuffy atmosphere of commercial cleaners and powdered gloves, there is a melancholic feeling that penetrates the air. it seeps through the office windows and into jungmo’s mind. there will always be a sense of longing and regret. jungmo wishes he could stop thinking so sadistically.

jungmo isn’t surprised when he hears that minhee has resigned. supposedly the man had resigned a while ago, citing personal issues that were unresolvable. although jungmo’s father seemed to have his suspicions, he remarked that it would be a loss for the office. after all, minhee had always been a hardworker, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. jungmo had seen it in his eyes from the start. even in pain, minhee never mentioned it.

how idiotic of him _!_ jungmo had noticed these small details long before, yet never said a word about them. if only he had been there from the start, perhaps life wouldn’t have ended so poorly for him. perhaps minhee would be standing there with him now, looking over his shoulder to point out an error in the print of a small mishap in punctuation. jungmo can only smile at these fictitious daydreams. only a fool would have dreamt of something so small.

after work, jungmo decides to head to minhee’s apartment. jungmo doubts that minhee still lives there, but it seems worth the try. there’s no harm in trying, he supposes, as he walks into the spacious building. as his theory stands, the room is empty. near the entrance, a large “for sale” sign hangs where minhee’s old apartment room used to be on the floor layout map. jungmo chuckles to himself. it seemed as if minhee really did plan his departure out rather well. the older man had to give it to him. he had done his paperwork after all.

jungmo spends the rest of the month in and out of reality. life goes on, but the search for minhee remains at a standstill. the office doesn’t feel the same anymore and jungmo knows the rest of his coworkers can feel that. upon thinking these thoughts, jungmo finds himself unable to work anymore. taking up his belongings, jungmo returns home early. it is still odd for him to be able to walk, but he manages, occasionally adjusting his position so that his back won’t continue to ache or his arm won’t continue to bend at an awkward angle. it’s not pleasant, but it’s bearable.

being alone at night only makes jungmo more aware of how hopeless he feels. for a moment, jungmo considers reaching for a bottle of hard liquor, but shoves the thought into the back of his mind. old hard habits die hard is how the saying goes, and jungmo agrees full-heartedly. groping around the floor for his cellphone, jungmo lazily dials up minhee’s number and places the phone into the crook of his neck, expecting to hear that monotonous sound of the voicemail notification.

this time, things are different. after a moment’s hesitation, the other line crackles awake and jungmo immediately senses something has changed. he sits up straighter and looks ahead into the night sky. please, let this be minhee. jungmo sounds so pitiable but this is the only thing he wishes for in that moment.

there is silence. no one knows what to say. was it minhee? or just a random caller? jungmo did not want to speak first and break the façade he had spent so long building up to. if minhee had ended his call service and the number had been transferred to a new caller, his hope would be shattered. then and only then would jungmo give up on finding him.

jungmo swallows and picks up the courage to do something. it was now or never.

“minhee? are you there? can you tell me where you are right now?” these questions are the most important. there is no time to waste, no time to spend focusing on the trivial things in life. instead, jungmo wishes to hear minhee’s voice. he wishes he could reach out and grasp his hand, take it in his and imprint a flutter of kisses onto the tips of his fingers. if only jungmo could do as much as caress minhee’s cheek.

there is more silence until the caller seems to sigh. it is unmistakable. it has to be minhee.

“i’m… i’m at the place where we were going to meet. near the hangang. you should know, right jungmo? i’m so sorry. i don’t know what to do anymore. i can’t tell whether i’m still alive or not. is it really you?”

“yes, yes it is me.” jungmo hears his voice crack and knows that he cannot stop the onslaught of tears that roll down his face. it is no use trying to mask his happiness. they are tears of joy, tears of knowing that a long-fought battle has finally been won. “can you stay there? i’m going to see you. please, just stay there minhee.” on the other end of the line, jungmo can hear minhee think to himself. it seems to be a hard decision to make. “promise me you’ll wait ten minutes. that’s all i ask.”

another sigh. “alright. i love you, jungmo.” jungmo rushes to respond that he loves him more, but the line goes silent and jungmo is instead met with the beeping sounds of an ended call. jungmo rushes to get ready. scratch that- it doesn’t matter. jungmo exits his apartment building in a frenzied rush, almost tripping over himself in an effort to make it to his new car in time. shoving the keys into the ignition, jungmo almost speeds down the dimly lit streets of seoul, swerving through intersections and crossing through residential roads. finally, he makes it to where minhee should be. there are no lights in this section of the park that surrounds the han river. it is the perfect place for couples to spend the night in privacy. it is also the perfect place for someone to peacefully pass. jungmo cannot handle these two possibilities at once.

jungmo parks his car rather sporadically and clenches his fists so tight that he knows he has drawn blood. this is the least of his worries, however, as he rushes into the park and spots the faint silhouette of a man standing near the edge of the river. there are no barriers at the edge- anyone could slip in if they wanted to.

as jungmo stumbles closer and closer to the silhouette, his voice grows hoarse and a single, muffled sound escapes his throat. it somewhat resembles minhee’s name but is entangled with too much emotion to decipher what it really is. at the sound of this word, the silhouette turns around and after adjusting his eyes to the darkness, jungmo knows who it is.

there is no fanfare to their reunion, nothing that could commemorate this moment. still, it feels beautiful. minhee allows himself to be rushed into jungmo’s arms, the same sickly scent of cherries hanging in the air when he buries himself into jungmo’s chest. minhee’s heart aches. his stomach twists into a knot. he did not understand how much he had missed the man, how much he regretted throwing his life away for this one person. on one hand, minhee wished he had never met jungmo. on the other hand, meeting jungmo seemed to have been the best decision he had ever made.

“is that really you?” minhee can’t help but ask, reaching up to touch jungmo’s face but instantly putting his hand back down when he realises what he might do. minhee is embarrassed, but jungmo reaches out and entwines their fingers together, gripping so tightly that minhee knows that he would never be able to shake him off.

“yes, who else could it be?” the smile that outlines jungmo’s lips is faint but present. in the moonlight it is hard to describe the emotions on his face, but all minhee can say is that it must be beautiful. “ah… is that-“ jungmo begins, holding up their entwined hands to the moonlight. under the light, a sharp glimmer protrudes from minhee’s index finger. “my ring?”

minhee nods. although he had come to the hangang to the unthinkable, it would have pained him even more to leave such a beautiful item in the mortal world. it was too sentimental to pass on.

jungmo pulls minhee in for another hug, this time, a bit softer. it is the kind of hug minhee wishes he had experienced his entire life, the kind of hug minhee knows he wants to spend the rest of his life being enveloped by. it is here that minhee makes the decision that he needs to stay. he wants to stay.

“it’s alright, minhee. it isn’t your fault. i’m alive.” those simple murmurs are enough to make minhee’s knees weak and his composure melt. jungmo gently strokes the back of the younger man’s head and whispers these words over and over again. they loop in minhee’s mind, as if repeating a sort of mantra.

minhee is exhausted. letting himself fall deeper into jungmo’s embrace, he closes his eyes. minhee gives in and maybe, just maybe, he believes jungmo for once. minhee is finally happy.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/091702)


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